Ooh to be or ooh not to be, that is not in question.

Goonerds!

Right, first things first. The Wizard of Ozil blog has now got a sponsor. Lock picking retailer UK Bump Keys Ltd, suppliers of lock picks to anyone who wants them, kool!

Right, what an entertaining game we had against WBA. I’ve never bought the ‘Great match for a neutral’ simply because there’s no such thing as a neutral. If you support a team, any team, then you are not  – and by definition cannot be – a neutral. Choosing a team is not neutral, and from that decision onwards neutrality is impossible. If there were such a thing as a football fan who didn’t have a team (and I’m yet to meet one) then perhaps yes, but once you set one team apart from all the others, all the others become rivals. Neutrals don’t like football, so it was a shit match for a neutral, they all are!

Both teams went out to win this match and as such a great game of football ensued. A few near penalties, squandered chances, the good and the bad of Wilshire, the intensity of Ozil’s composure, Giroud’s increasingly delicate touch (the latter two no doubt connected) and a result which – if not ideal – maintains our unbeaten run and keeps us at the top of the table. Nice.

I’m not a football player, I do play occasionally, but I’m kak, and whatever an Arsenal player does on the pitch I try to understand it, including the mistakes, which are human, we all make them. Equally I’m not a manager, and although Wenger works in mysterious ways I admire a man who has the confidence in a plan and perseveres when it seems everyone is telling him to do something else. There’s always been a conviction in Arsene’s decisions, he’s like the Field Marshall Montgomery of the premier league, and now – not before time – we’re starting to reap the rewards of a long period of adjustment and transition. In individual players (Ozil to the league, Wilshire to the adult world, Ramsey to being excellent, Giroud to being a winner, and a back four that has taken more shit than any other back four and yet still stepped up to the plate brilliantly) and in terms of Arsenal the phenomena, the fans, the business, the history and the future; Arsenal are adapting, the operative word in Darwin’s theory of evolution, and it feels right.

If I think what it was like to be a Gooner for the last two years compared to what it is like now, it’s like the same beast but one ridden bareback, one in a nice saddle, with stirrups and the other stuff that remains outside of my class experience. The tension that fizzed and crackled like static at The Emirates whenever ANYONE not in an Arsenal shirt had the ball. The dull walk home en mass up the Hornsey Road like one great weary sludge, moving only on the frictionless sheen of tears on the tarmac as another defeat sank in, another injury ruled out a player for-nearly-ever, another sale of another top player, another humiliating cup exit. It was all rather unfunny.

Not now, eh? This is good fun, right? We’ve not won anything yet, sure, but if you’re not enjoying being a Gooner right now you have lost touch of what it means to support a club, your sense of entitlement as exemplified by uber anus Piers Morgan has lost touch with reality. Wind yourself in or fuck off. Black bags on seats? That helps, I’m sure. There’s a seam of Gooner who is enjoying things reluctantly. A ridiculous situation, a response – in short – of the spoiled.

We go into the interlull now which hopefully means next time we play we should have a few players returning from injury. And there’s plenty of them. Our midfield is awesome, its depth is awesome, its talent awesome and the recent run of results reflect this tri-awesomeness with awesomesque awesomness. Piss off, I’m happy.

Enjoy yourselves. Enjoy Wilshire as he breaks the shell of youth and becomes an adult, a mature player (Wengers decision to keep him on was genius and will no doubt fill the lad with confidence) .Enjoy Ramsey – it’s easy. Enjoy Giroud, who no one (except Wenger) really had much faith in; we didn’t really buy it, right? Enjoy being wrong about it. Enjoy Ozil as he makes passes at angles we never knew existed (are both his feet individually ambidextrous? Is that possible? Enjoy it). Enjoy The Kos, who nearly lost us the match with a shove in the back that should have been a pen, enjoy getting the wrong decision. Enjoy Bendtners silly silly silly hair, the dope!

Ooh to be a Gooner, enjoy!

Later.

UK Bump Keys Ltd – Lock Picking Tools for everyone.

Ozil, The Illusionist.

Hi Gooners.

Another win! I’m getting used to this and with confidence and momentum at a long-time high, we can anticipate the midweek encounter with Napoli at The Emirates with relish.  We have a veritable tsunami of confidence at the moment and a flock of players simultaneously – and not by accident – finding form.  Of course, what’s interesting here is the big worries just a month ago concerned the depth of squad. For weeks now, anything good said about Arsenal has been followed by ‘But if XXXXXXX gets injured…’ and the like. Let’s us at least be clear; this run that has left us in the Champions league and first, that’s TOP OF THE LEAGUE, that position has been achieved without Podolski, Walcott, Cazorla, Rodiski, Diaby (lolz), and until Sunday, from the bench, Arteta. Our depth has been tested. One of it scored. Well done Gnarby, a great all round couple of games and a partially formed Arsenal man there, I think. I like the look of him and when required to perform, did, when we all thought he wouldn’t – really.  Ramsey continues to work and delight.  When Wenger hit the Pro-Plus and ran into the squad with a sickle and a more than valid amount of dissapointment and anger, he at once said to Ramsey ‘You’re still here, with the likes of Wilshire, Cazorla, Arteta and Ozil. It’s time to start playing like it’ And wow, hasn’t the little Welsh lad risen to the challenge? A challenge that us supporters can only guess at. One which saw  – and often sounded like – the majority of the fan-base having nothing but hostility and bad noise about him.  Barely a man, he took that on with what is possibly a footballers worst nightmare, a crushing, brutal and totally unnecessary leg-break. He came back from that, he came back from the popularity contest in which he’d seemed to fall beyond the point of no return. Absolute respect to a young man who has shown strength, determination and belief, and who now looks to be reaping the rewards. Long may it continue.

Ozil’s performance appeared effortless yet he maintains a level of concentration and skill that can only be the product of endless work. It is a curiosity of the misplaced compliment to describe someone as a ‘natural’ in anything. Essentially because it threatens to take away from the fact that ability in any form, with whatever natural conditions may have assisted it, has only ever really occurred with sustained effort, often in  difficult circumstances; there’s no such thing as magic, even when it seems the only explanation. In this respect Ozil is more an illusionist than a wizard. What we’ve seen of him is wonderful and I feel it hasn’t even began.

Also looming on the horizon is the chance that Robin Van Persie made a terrible decision. Winning the league is something amazing, sure, but he’ll probably come and go at United, never reaching the heights of a Best, a Giggs, a Cantona.  At Arsenal, he could have been a legend. There was an RVP shaped hole waiting to be filled by a man literally made for the job and who was just peaking. He left though, and is now part of a team that in a matter of weeks is appearing much like an experiment in the same way the Stoke are, with difficulty.  I for one will be schadenfreude-heavy for as long as possible should it become a publicly catastrophic decision, and our rise is as meteoric as their fall. Like I said, it’s early days and then some, but it must have crossed his mind, and longer and lonelier may his nights on Moss Side be.

Hail to the boss who at 17 years in the job said at the weekend that he loves Arsenal football club and of that there is no doubt, I can’t think of another premier league manager who could say that with any truth whatsoever. Personally if he were physically up to it I’d have 17 more, his mind razor sharp and his footballing brain one of the best there’s ever been.

See you at The Emirates on Tuesday night.

Later.

@csdanger

Much ado about something.

Ciao Gooners.

So the team are probably holed-up in a hotel in Swansea, faces pressed against the bullet-proof glass as they watch the burnt-out cars rolling slowly past and gangs of human-like creatures in white football T-Shirts singing about coal and tin.

In the same way or relationship with Stoke has seemed to gain some momentum, catalysed by Cuntcross obviously, but maintained – ironically – by the miraculous recovery of Aaron Ramsey, the unlikely goal-machine of this early season run, we have developed something of an aura with Swansea. Their propulsion through the leagues is an amazing story and Swansea have fully established themselves as a quality premier league team. You don’t get the feeling they’re going to do the relly-yo-yo, you get the feeling they’re here to stay, and really, if the story continues in this manner, upwards seems to be the likely way for them. And good luck to them. Except tomorrow. Against Arsenal I wish them no luck, anti luck, perhaps. I’d like to invert luck in a lab and get it into the air-con of their dressing room. I wish them dodgy lasagne, I wish them e-coli and migraines, I wish them hamstring  pings and ankle creaks – not for anyone to suffer, I wouldn’t wish suffering on any human who isn’t already in my 6 volume ‘Death book’, but if it was a choice between wishing them luck or a few little knocks around the legs, it’ll be the latter.

For the neutral (which doesn’t exist) it appears a great game. Swansea play a very Arsenal type of football. They press high and seize breaks with amazing efficiency. Because they occasionally punch above their weight, they’re prone to attempt to play beyond their ability, which although can give them some moments of amazing possession football, slick, fast and dangerous on the break, it can also cause them problems, a lot of unforced errors, passes to nowhere and the unfortunate like. Sometimes, watching The Swans I see a team whose communal footballing brain works faster than their communal feet. You can see what they’re trying to do, they just don’t have the quality to pull it off successfully and with the conviction needed at this level. It’s the mark of a team in the process of growth and transition, with the right players and the right coaching, and on this foundation they could really become something. But they’re not there yet, and I think we win this on precisely those areas if we can capitalize on their slackness, picking up the loose balls and making the snap decision required to make it work. It’s Ozil territory, Cazorla too, and that we’re still not going to see the two together is utterly frustrating, but also delicious enough to make the wait quite a pleasure. As I have already, said this season will be won and lost in the midfield. A quick glance at the comings and goings of the transfer window illustrates a real emphasis on the middle of the park. It hasn’t been a window of the striker, it nearly was – if we believe what we hear it tried to be – but it wasn’t.

Wenger described them as an ‘attractive’ team, they play nice football, and so do Arsenal, I’m looking forward to the game, I’m looking forward to a win – but I am also looking for some wonderful football. I want to see more of that Wilshire, Ozil, Ramsey axis that cut a lovely ‘z’ through the Sunderland defence, literally faster than the dumb twits could see (watch the replay as the ball moves faster than their heads, it’s quite something) until Ramsey slotted it home. I’m looking for Giroud, with the weight of the Goonersphere on his more than capable shoulders, overcoming his confidence problem as he realises he is an Arsenal striker, he is the finisher for best assister in the world, and he can play well.

Chelsea Play Spurs today too, not so much beautiful football, and good value to watch with a spurs fan as each player is introduced for what seems like the first time. I asked my friend how many people they signed this summer, ‘About 100 I think’ he said, frowning.

So let’s enjoy the game, we are top of the league, not by accident, not ‘because it’s early in the season’, we’re there because we’ve played the best football, we’ve had a bit of luck, but we’ve had a bit of bad luck; luck being so well balanced it ceases to exist in any operative way. Let’s stay there, let’s show them who we are, we are Arsenal.

Life’s a piece of cake, Ozil let’s you eat it.

later. x

(P.S. My stats suggest I have a reader in Guyana. Nice one, I think it’s just you and me, kidder.)

Three of a Perfect Pair.

 

Hello Comrades!

Before I gently cup the communal footballing breast and contemplate, with a jiggle and a little bounce, the Arsenalosphere and the microcosm within that – its areola – that surprisingly lithe whirlwind know as The Özilatia Drift, I thought it worth digging deep into my literary skill-set (much like a bag of dusty and broken toys that were swept from the jumble-sale floor) and sharpen up my semiotic claws. It would be unfair of me to deny you this gift.

Take a look at the image above, look at our Rasputinesque Özil there, looking right at The Walcott. What’s he saying? Yes, that’s right, he’s saying ‘Listen here you little shit, if I keep putting them on a plate for you and you keep preferring to eat from the trough, I’ll find you the trough of all troughs, it’s a tangy adventure that involves anus and imitation Farah slacks. Wilshire, standing proud and to attention like he always does in the presence of Lieutenant Özil, turns to Walcott and says ‘Did you hear Sargent Özil, Private Walcott?’ But Walcott says nothing, all he can do is stare at his girly pink football boots and do his best to believe his contract is up for renewal and then maybe he’ll mysteriously find the form of his life again.

Dubious and completely invented interpretations of illegal screen-grabs aside,  we’re still winning, and Özil keeps assisting. 3 goals scored during his home debut and he assisted all three. That’s what we paid for. Ever since he plucked that ball from the air and said to the premiership ‘Watch, this is what I do, and I do it better than anyone else in Europe. Oh yeah, and I do it for Arsenal’ we’ve become convinced. And his continued performance has only strengthened that belief . Which is a beautiful, beautiful thing, belief can go a long way, some people blow themselves to pieces with a pocketful of C4 because of it, winning matches should be easy if there’s enough of it about. And it feels good. Still bruised from the high-profile departures of the last few years, the Turk like a shot of amphetamine, a hit of medical grade football-juice that ups your game with plenty to go round, with Ramsey obviously taking more than his fair share (which doesn’t matter because Bendtner doesn’t want his)

So our man Özil put a bit of space between himself and Messi with three more assists. Wow. To say Özil hit the ground running wouldn’t be doing him any justice at all. The lad hasn’t even touched down. He plays better floating about 4 inches above the ground, gliding effortlessly around the pitch and turning up exactly where you want him to be. You watch the play, there’s a dribble, Gibbs to Wilshire. Wilshire sticks out his arse which makes him look stupid, then his tongue comes out, which makes him look even more stupid. And then he flies through 4 opponents with a little perfectly weighted poke of the ball and a 0-60 in 3 seconds acceleration, taking all 4 out of the game and then, just as a tackle approaches, who should pop-up in the right place, his body perfectly angled to take the pass, turn his man and glide 4 meters before cutting the centrebacks out of the game with the panache of Zorro, leaving the defenders scratching their heads and wondering when the laws of physics were changed? Mesut Özil, it’s him who pops up there, who kept popping up there, who so far looks like good value at £44million, that’s just over £12 for the 3 players we seem to have in him. Well impressed. Three more assists, my mum said they don’t count. But they do mum, they make goals, nice one Özil: We are top of the league, say, we are top of the league!

Predictably it’s rubbing off. Our last two matches showed-off the continuing development of our defence. They’re communicating well and they’re keeping good shape when required. And while defenders can lose a game with a mistake that just 10 yards back up the pitch might not even raise a brow, the edginess that seemed to plague our back four for the last couple of seasons appears to have abated and even The Emirates doesn’t seem to hold its communal breath whenever the ball is simply being passed around our half – by our players.

 Life is overwipped cream, Özil isn’t.

Later,

(@csdanger)

Touch Me I’m Sick

Hi Gooners

And there you were thinking I’d lasted two blogs. I imagine the average stands at around 15, although the net is littered with one-off blogs, inspired on a whim or a bifta only to haunt the author by not quite being open to a total deletion and just linger there, a prosthetic memory of your silly little blog. I have no idea what the average bloggage is before one confines it to the great digital bin, or The Internet, as we call it. This is my third post. One post per match since I started. I am 100% Well, not in every sense.

I’ve been a pukin’, hot and heavy pukin’. On all fours, rivers of sweat meandering down my freezing scalp while I fail grip my weary fingers on the porcelain lav and end up chin-heavy on the rim. All that between horrific peristalsic explosions that whip along my spine and eject all manner of odd consumptia. That’s why I have’t written, not because I’m a blog lightweight. I’ll write this trough thick and thin. I promise. I’m stubborn. You may say that I will grow to hate it. Wrong. I already do. I hated it half way through registering with WordPress. I don’t really like doing things. But I do a lot of things. If hating them was reason enough to stop them – I’d be doing nothing! Now, back to the love….

We won, I’m getting used to it. I’ve only had my ST for two seasons – what a couple of miserable seasons. But we won and it feels like we sould have, Amazing, and quite lovely. I make a point of enjoying wins. I can quickly get into that weird sense of entitlement I sense a lot around football supporters. It’s not only ugly and misguided, but it robs you of the basic enjoyment of being a supporter. If I’m not careful I can forget a win. I’ll watch it, enjoy it, tweet and text it, then forget it. Whereas a lose, especially what I’ll call a ‘cuntish’ lose. I’ll ponder that for days. That’s the first thing I think of when I wake up. I’ll drag that cloud round with me without thinking about it. So I have to be sure to celebrate, remember, indulge and enjoy a win. It;s not deserved, it’s not expected, it’s always earned, and as such, should always be appreciated as much as possible. It’s why we do this isn’t it?

Although Oz The Turk didn’t sparkle in a headline kind of way I think it’s testament to his professionalism and ability that we currently play a youngish team with a midfield missing Cazorla and Arteta and it hasn’t been the gaping hole you’d expect. On the contrary, our midfield has become the object of reluctant praise for many a pundit and I am quite enjoying the many different ways they attempt to find a problem there. I said it as soon as I heard about the signing and the IMMEDIATE questions regarding his validity: anyone who thinks Mesut Ozil is anything other than an excellent thing for Arsenal is that same man that sits in a room full of tits sucking his thumb. A great victory to set us up well in a difficult group. Looking to the weekend now, I hope I’m well enough to go.

Life’s a dance, so is Ozil.

Later

(@csdanger)

If you are not humble, you will be humiliated.

Hello Gooners, and a special hello to any transsexual Gooners, who I can’t help think have probably been ignored until now. I’m glad that’s been remedied.

Now I don’t intend this to be a daily blog, Christ no! I’m one of those people who becomes awfully anxious and stressed if I have more than one thing to do in any 24hr period. To commit to anything on daily basis rules me out of doing anything else, so you understand that’s a bit much, and the blog would soon deteriorate into lunacy rather than the in-depth analysis and ‘ITK’ opinion you’ve got used to for all these day.

However, a couple of things have happened which are worthy of a mention. Swansea failed to help us maintain the currently superficial yet wonderfully pleasant place at the top of the table by drawing with 80’s football act Liverpool FC. The 2-2 result didn’t tell the story of Swansea eventually outplaying a flagging Liverpool and only through some poor finishing did Brookside scrape this result. A mistake by Soviet experiement Shelvy in the first half handed a recovery to Liverpool and without which I think the result would have been much different. Good fun to watch though and after the interlull nice to be able to enjoy an eventful Monday-nighter.

Of more import to this blog – and therefore you,  the new strata of Gooner who think our new bug-eyed, turf-ballerina Mesut Özil is worthy of some ironic distinction – is this sham of a meet-up some clots have organised without even consulting me. Imagine! You don’t need to imagine, bring yourself back to reality my friend. A group of so-called fans of Özil are meeting up in front of the Armoury this Sunday before the match to take a photo wearing their Özil shirts and welcome The Ö to Arsenal. The fact that they chose not to involve this blog, the clear authority on the subject, is ridiculous and I’m sure their small number of socially inept and probably sweaty supporters jumping round trying to get the attention of Özil will be humiliated in the extreme, and what will everyone be saying? That’s right. ‘Yeah, they tried to do an Özil-based thing without involving The Wizard of Özil, what idiots’, ‘Yeah, well stupid’.

I of course won’t be there. I’ll be researching stats and stuff and shit. Busy and that. I know you also won’t go, being loyal to me and wanting to stand up for what is right, true and good. Thanks, appreciated; don’t go wearing your Özil shirt to The Armoury on Sunday for a photo at 12.15.

Here’s Özil doing ball skills with some chewing gum:

 

Life is good and so is Özil

Later. x

Welcome to The Wizard of Özil.

Hello and a cold impersonal digital welcome to anyone who has got this far, you must have a life of questionable worth and therefore we are at least equals at this delicate germination stage of what will no doubt one day become a legendary blog amongst future Gooners, discussed when travelling between planets during the 4023 Intergalactic Cup (Coca Cola won for the 80th time on the bounce in a hard-fought 90 minutes against South London Happy Finance® 3-1).

Already one match late due to a recent bought of opiates, I’ve been dithering and procrastinating and only last night, in the small hours did I register ‘The Wizard of Özil’ and the story begins. I also registered ‘The Wiard of Özil’, ‘The Wiazrd of Özil’ and perhaps most telling to the Freudian minded, ‘The Wizard of O’. Nonetheless the cogs are turning.

I nearly went for ‘The Story of O’, which literary types and perverts will know is the name of highbrow wank-text written in 1954 by Pauline Réage, but I think ‘The Wizard of Özil’ conveys the right information in an appropriate timbre.

Since this blog is really about one man I may as well begin by telling you a bit about him. I’m a comedian, writer, and millionaire lock-picker. I’m a non-ironic flâneur (I know, gross eh?) and lover of words, tea, tailoring and brightly coloured miniskirts. I live in Soho, London and hold a season ticket to Arsenal FC, who often treat me like a bitch.

Pointless trying to reclaim to moment and write about the weekend match, so I won’t go into any detail. Great assist, a plethora of amazing touches and passes, the cross leading to the goal plucked from the air like an angel might a dream and sent across for that handsome Gaul to direct home. He was fantastic, involved in pretty much all the important work and wasn’t even 100%. The prospect of what might happen here with Wenger’s influence is a delicious prospect, and how that might affect the team is equally exciting.

So thanks for coming, thanks for reading, and come back and have a look soon. I’ll post on Twitter (@csdanger) when I post something new, and l look forward to exchanging hilarious #banter with #you #all.

Life’s great, so is The Wizard of Ozil.

Later. X